Unlike many animals, humans have the ability to drive. However, most people are rubbish at driving. In the interest of public service, I have provided you with a handy guide on what items you’ll need as well as a few tips on how to drive so that you don’t spend all day crashing.

Guide after the jump.

Eyes

Most people have 2. Located in the upper front sector of your head, they take in visual cues from the world around you and send it on to your brain (more on this later).. Use them. Stop looking at the pretty girl next to you, but see what’s going on. You might spot someone else on the road other than you. I know this may come as a surprise, but there are other people entitled to share the same road space with you.

Don’t forget, as with most bits involved with cars, eyes need testing. In 2003, study in the United Kingdom found that 1 in 7 drivers who didn’t think they needed glasses had vision so bad that their licenses could have been revoked.

Brain

Standard issue to be classified as a ‘living human.’ The brain has 2 functions in a car: It tells your body how to control the car and make it go, and the, while doing this, it assesses what is happening around you and is the bit responsible for ensuring you don’t crash. It obtains its information primarily from the eyes, mentioned about.

Mirrors

Like the ones you have in your house just smaller. The things that mirrors are meant to used for:

• Seeing around and behind your car.

Things mirrors are not used for:

• Putting on makeup
• Checking your sexy new sunglasses out
• Looking at the hottie next to you without her noticing

Used correctly, the mirrors help you avoid accidents by gauging where the doos behind you is driving.

Indicators

By law, all cars come with indicators. The clue is in the name… they indicate to other people on the road what you intend to do next. This can include turning left, turning right or stopping due to an emergency. For the 99.999% of us who can’t read your thoughts, those are indicator lights, for you to use to indicate to us what you intend to do.

To operate, you use a stalk on the steering column. Correct operation will result in the familiar indicator tick. Once yoiu complete a turn please check that the indicator has disengaged.

Oh, and when you do use your indicators, make sure you use them before actually turning. Like I said, most of the rest of us have trouble reading your mind.

Steering wheel

The big circular thing you hold on to while driving. Apparently, not many of you realise that if you turn this, your car will drift from lane to lane or change direction.

Most often, you also haven’t grasped the basic use of the indicators (see above) so the result is that you’ll change lanes, probably surprising yourself, and certainly surprising everyone behind you because you didn’t tell us you were going to do it.

As an aside, when you do this, that grating, scraping, crashing sound from the back of the car isn’t “ordinary car noises” – it means you’ve hit someone or something.

Brakes

Identied as the first pedal to the left of the accelerator. Pressing it, depending on how hard you do so, will result in you slowing down or stopping.

This explanation is needed because one day you might be driving along, using your indicators and mirrors, then using the steering wheel to start changing lanes. Suddenly, some doos on a motorcycle comes flying between the lanes. You press the brake and suddenly, after much smoke and shrieking, you come to a halt.

Suprising? Yes, but it should hardly be news to know that you can chose when you want your car to stop, and there is no need to drive into a wall to force this event.

The major problem is that in order to use the brakes, you also need to engage your eyes and your brain at the same time, and for most of you, that does seem to cause some trouble.

Cellphone

Most people cannot drive at the best of times. Now, attempting to hold and type a BBM to the girl you met at the bar last night while storming down the N1 is going to result in tears.

I know I said the brain was multitasking, but this really is pushing it. Just throw it away. You’re not that important, really – you aren’t. If you need a guide on when to call people or when to take a call, look here: [Link]. Phone calls suck, so stop endagering people by using your phone while driving.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you”

This is the phrase that your brain will be desperately trying to get you to say, when you realise that your eyes didn’t see the motorbike you just hit because you didn’t use your mirrors, brakes or indicators appropriately, and were having an unimportant, inconsequential conversation on your cellphone.

You’ll step out of the car and find the motorcyclist and you’ll be so desperately wanting to say this phrase that you’ll not be able to hold back. It’s worth knowing that if you do utter these five words to an injured motorcyclist, you are likely to be punched in the jaw.

Saying “Sorry, I didn’t see you”. What we hear is “I’m a blind fucking moron and my brain doesn’t work”. These five words are only marginally less offensive than “Are you okay?” In order to avoid having to say these, you need to look out for others.

Crash helmet

This is not so much of a tip as a public information service. Now that you’ve run the motorcyclist down, and knocked him out due to the impact or told him you didn’t see him, your next course of action will typically be to try to take his crash helmet off.

No! No, no, no, no a thousand times no.

You have nearly killed the guy and now you want to remove the one item of protective gear that might be holding his head together after you swatted him with your Mini ? Are you totally deranged?

No – don’t answer that. If you’ve got this far into the accident, we all know the answer. You’re blind, and stupid. We don’t need to add deranged to the list.

For those wondering, a helmut will ensure that his skull, if damaged, will stay in one piece. Let the ambulance come, take him away and only once he is actually inside the emergency room can a qualified doctor remove his helmut.

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